Wednesday, October 28, 2015


After at least three years of fretting over being "almost 30," it's finally here. Today is my 30th birthday! I feel mostly calm, cool and collected, and maybe only a little bit sad that my wild and wonderful 20s are over. But, I'm trying to maintain my LIVE IT UP mantra that I established this summer, because frankly, the alternative is so boring.

To celebrate, you're not going to find me parading through the streets of New York proclaiming I'm "30, flirty and thriving," or hashtaging #dirty30. I'm aiming to find some kind of balance between aging gracefully and not giving a you-know-what with a dash of feeling pretty damn lucky that the last decade of my life has been on the whole, rather delightful.


Looking back, the months leading up to my 30th have been fraught with change. So much change, actually, that I'm not sure I'm fully processing it all, and maybe I haven't yet. I won't go into the nitty-gritty details at the moment, but between August and October, I went through my first real breakup, got laid off from my job, and my parents decided to sell our home in Seattle and move to Sun Valley, Idaho full time.

Older, wiser people often tell us that things that on their face are negative or perceived to be problems end up being those proverbial "blessings in disguise." When you're in the thick of it though, when all the "bad things" that "happen to you" are stacking up, it sure as shit doesn't feel like that. I spent weeks telling myself the story that I lost my boyfriend and my job in less than a month so What is wrong with me? Why is the universe against me? 

But here's the truth: I wasn't happy at my job. I was bored, uninspired and totally content to just keep getting paychecks while wasting away my days. Nothing was pushing or pulling me, so I just stayed still. I realized very quickly that it didn't exactly feel like it at the time, but I needed my company to usher me out the door so that I'd have no choice but to get real about what I actually wanted from my professional life. I'm grateful for everything I learned and grateful that they let me go, is that weird?

{ Wearing: Kate Moss for Topshop jacket (old) / Aritzia velvet dress (old) / Paige Denim flares / my lucky Lulu Frost Plaza necklaces / Gigi New York clutch / Proof sunglasses }

Finding the silver lining in the aftermath of the break up? That has been a little more tricky, and frankly, I'm still working on it. Relationships are as unique as the people in them, so there's no universal recipe for coming out on the other side with your full self intact and dealing with the loss of what you were together. Along with talking with friends and thinking through all the nuanced details, I just keep reminding myself of the larger truth: At the end of the day, you don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. I reread Mark Manson's The Law of "Fuck Yes or No"  whenever I need a reminder.

Finally to top it all off, my parents have sold my childhood home. While slightly traumatic of course, this one has been a little easier to get right with because I realized that as soon as I moved to New York and committed to a life here, it wasn't fair for me to wish my parents would stay there forever. I've only spent a handful of days at home since I moved; as a family we love spending our time together in Sun Valley—so there you have it. It will be immensely sad to say goodbye to the house I grew up in, and the one my parents lived in for almost 30 years. But I am excited for them to start a new chapter, because it's a new chapter for me, too.

So to come full circle, the blessings in disguise thing didn't seem to fit until I had some time and some distance. (As I'm quickly learning, time and distance are the fix for literally everything.) I talked through my doubts and my challenges with friends and family. I cried. A lot. I traveled. I read.

Over the last month or so, things have started to clarify. The dust is settling, and I'm starting to fully appreciate what all of these endings mean: A lot of new beginnings.

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks and a lightbulb over my head at the same time...

Saturn Return! Between 28 and 30-ish is typically when we have the first of two (or three!) Saturn Returns in our lifetime. This is the cosmic event where the planet Saturn returns to the exact same place in the sky that it was when you were born. This occurrence is said to usher in major change, present challenges and generally force us to evolve into the next stage of our lives. Saturn in Scorpio (that's me) experienced it's first Return from October 5, 2012 until December 23, 2014 and a brief second one between June 14 and September 17 of this year—within which all that messiness I mentioned above, took place. See what I mean about the lightbulb and the bricks? (You can find your Saturn Return here or here.)

Turning 30 feels monumental mostly because turning 20 years old didn't at all. (We were too busy wishing we were 21 to appreciate it...) If we're lucky, life is long, and our third decade is just the start of our "adult" lives. While I may outwardly be a bit silly and sad about saying farewell to my 20s, I'm inwardly embracing all the potential that the Saturn Return and my 30th birthday have introduced—challenges and all. And let's be real, Jay Z definitely had it right all along.

[ Photos by Bekka Palmer ]


  1. Happy Birthday!! Our 30s are going to be great I just know it. Cheers to you and Cheers to having a home base in Sun Valley! Maybe we can going skiing the next time you are "home" :)

    1. Aww thank you Audrey! and YES we must have a ski (and more importantly an apr├Ęs ski) in Sun Valley as soon as possible.

  2. Happiest birthdays to one of the most special people I know! I'm so lucky to have your bright, determined and hilarious spirit in my life and have no doubt that all of the change in the past few months is going to mean lots to look forward to! Change is scary and unnerving but great and surprising, too. HERE'S TO 30!!!!

    1. Thank you THANK YOU my darling! You're so right, and I know we are ALL going to have a brilliant decade ahead! xo

  3. YAS!!!! Here's to a new decade!

  4. I will definitely come check this place again with some other awesome friends of mine! It's one of best places for having a good time with a joyous feeling. And NY venues fascinates me with their great style and vibrant atmosphere.

  5. I totally like your style, your outfit looks gorgeous. And congratulations!

  6. Happy birthday! What a gorgeous outfit - I love that jacket!

    xx, Ashleigh |