No intro, let's just get into it. Yes? Yes.
2015 OSCAR SUPERLATIVES, RIGHT THIS WAY...
BEST USE OF CHARTREUSE: EMMA STONE IN CUSTOM ELIE SAAB
It hurts me to say this, but I don't love this color. The fit is amazing, the beading and detail are so gorgeous. I love her matching bracelets and the ankle straps on her shoes. However, I wish I could dial this whole look to a new hue—maybe emerald green? Silver? Some kind of icy blue? She looks more-or-less flawless though, and her hair and makeup perfectly complement the intricate gown. So, I'll take it.
You had to feel like Julianne Moore could feel that this was her night. This incredibly textured, fitted-to-a-T and sure-to-become-a-red-carpet-classic gown is the kind of thing you dream of wearing when you accept your first Academy Award after five nominations. She is radiant and poised and so incredibly elegant—what more is there? This is an nice transition to Oscars formality from the more playful Givenchy Couture she wore to the Golden Globes last month.
MOST GLAMOROUS BRICK WALL: NAOMI WATTS IN ARMANI PRIVÉ
I always appreciate Naomi Watts on the red carpet. She manages to take just the right amount of risk pretty much every time, and is consistently glamorous and envy-inducing. This Armani Privé gown has dramatic cut outs and is what I imagine would happen if you tried to make a wall out of sequins. And I don't hate it. Hair and makeup? Nailed it. Enough said.
BEST BEADWORK: LUPITA NYONG'O IN CUSTOM CALVIN KLEIN
When we first caught a glimpse of that neckline on E!, my girlfriends and I couldn't stop screaming, "We need more! We need to see more!" The drama and heft of the top of this dress gives way to a more subtle pattern of beadwork on the skirt and thank god—could you imagine how heavy that thing must be? Lupita said on the red carpet that over 6,000 pearls were used to create this masterpiece, and you know what? I think it was worth it. I can't imagine this looking better or more well-suited on anyone else.
MOST WORTHY OF DISCUSSION: MARION COTILLARD IN DIOR HAUTE COUTURE
I don't think anyone else could have worn this dress to the oscars and still be taken seriously. The front is easy and appealing, and the back is—well—the back is where the discussion starts. What if that black band was moved up 12 inches? Is this too "fashion" for The Oscars? Can I borrow it? Personally, I like this. It's strange but she is pulling it off with this bemused expression that seems to say, "I dare you to say this isn't fabulous. I'm French and cool and who even is Kelly Osbourne?"
BEST RED MOMENT: ROSAMUND PIKE IN GIVENCHY COUTURE
New mom Rosamund Pike has been on some kind of routine since The Golden Globes. She has whipped her bod into bow down-worthy shape, and is showing it off most perfectly in this beaded Givenchy number. The scalloped top is a nice touch, and the slit is sexy without being scandalous. Truth-be-told I don't love the back of this dress, it has a lot of corsetry details that read more "Red Room" than red carpet to me—so let's just forget about that part and just enjoy how gorgeous this is from this angle, and wonder how we could get a waist like that.
SAFEST WHILE STILL BEING FABULOUS: SIENNA MILLER IN OSCAR DE LA RENTA:
Sienna Miller's choice of Oscar de la Renta was an interesting one—this is from the first collection by Peter Copping, who replaced the namesake designer of ODLR this season. I'm of the mind that Sienna Miller could pull off almost anything, so I usually hope she will attempt to do so. The bows are a playful touch and the skirt is cool, but it's a little boring. But also great? I don't know. Sigh, Sienna.
BEST MERYL/J.LO + FEMINISM ENTHUSIASM GIF: THIS
When Patricia Arquette accepted her Best Supporting Actress statuette, she made an impassioned plea for equal wages for working women in America. Meryl and Jennifer Lopez, who were inexplicably and amazingly seated next to each other were into it.
BEST CHRIS: EVANS, PRATT & PINE
Bahaha you didn't really expect me to choose, did you? Pratt is so funny and freshly buff, Pine cried during "Glory" and Evans is just... Himself. Well done, all.
MOST USEFUL FOR FUTURE MEMES: BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH & HIS FLASK
Mr. Cumberbatch continues his reign of awesome over us all. Cheers to you, good sir.