Monday, April 27, 2009

questionable style profile: he's so bro

I know I said recently that I don't like to be negative about other people's style. And on the whole, I don't. But after witnessing a particularly ridiculous spectacle this weekend at Ozzie's, a rowdy bar on Lower Queen Anne, I'm feeling a little feisty. I want to talk about the bro guy.

Everyone has met him. Bro guy is very social and he can be found from coast to coast. He spends a lot of time ordering jaeger bombs at the bar, high-fiving his buddies and is always drawing attention to himself. With his intense, slightly gothic graphic-print t-shirt, his very carefully distressed (usually boot-cut) jeans and his man-bling, he is just, so bro.

A few more signs you are in the presence of a full-on bro:

  • The hair: Look at those tips. So frosted, so perfectly coiffed - maybe even waxed and gelled into a faux-hawk.
  • The butt pockets of his jeans are really fancy. Flaps, snaps and embroidery galore.
  • His t-shirt is probably resting just atop his elaborate, bad-ass belt buckle.
  • He is wearing Ed Hardy.
  • His shirt, sweater, button-down, zip-up, shoes, wallet, hat and/or board shorts have a shiny or sparkly design on them.
  • Ladies, if he is showing more cleavage than you in his American Apparel deep V, he's so bro.
  • Bro guy often likes jewelry. He might have a silver chain necklace tangled up in his chest hair or a sparkling, totally obnoxious watch adorned with diamonds or Swarovski crystals on his wrist.
  • He is wearing sunglasses on his face (or on top of his head) at night.
  • When it gets warm out, bro guy wears his board shorts just about everywhere.
  • Regarding his upper arms, you make a bet with your friend that you couldn't wedge even a finger between that sleeve and his bulging, overly large bicep. And you win.

Bro guy, if you're reading this, I'm sorry to dis your style. I know you're trying so hard. I just don't like it when it's obvious that your hair is more expensive to maintain than mine. Or that you want my phone number but I just want to borrow your bracelet. The big tattoo-print dragon on your shirt proclaiming "love is pain" really overwhelms me.

If you want, you can come over to my house and I will introduce you to my friends Simple Crew-neck Shirt and Relaxed Fix Jeans.

But seriously, let me borrow that bracelet.

 

3 comments:

  1. A few people I know have been bro forever but out here it is called Euro-trash, but that is a lifestyle. what to do about the newly converting though?!

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  2. Some of these characteristics definitely apply to Euro-trash guy too! He might have to get his own post later on!

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  3. thank you ladies! i love the fact that you choose this topic and delivered it with such pin-pointed exactness! I'm much the same. I prefer not to trash on people as much as I like to select GREAT style......however... affliction & ed hardy...and all that really gets me.

    ciao!

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